This week, I made the awful mistake of going shopping. Normally, this is a relatively mindless task of exchanging currency for some manner of good or service, however this time it was beyond that simple economic exercise.
Realization dawns in many places. It can be in a library, surrounded by the wisdom of the ages. In can be in a quiet, old-growth forest, under a majestic canopy of life that knows no mortality. Or, it can be early in the morning when you realize the carpet is far too damp, and the dog is far too quiet...
This realization dawned in a small store. Surrounded by the endless rush of humanity, I was caught for a millisecond in an eddy of time. Somewhere between the dressing room and the cash register it hit me; slowly at first, but it spread fast and far, like the pain from a gunshot wound.
The Gap *is* Melrose Place.
Everyone in the entire damn store was so beautiful, so friendly. Salespeople poured from the nooks and crannies of the displays, each intent on my satisfaction and that 5% commission. (In all fairness, The Gap is one of the few retail clothing stores which does not operate on commission, but then, life is not fair.) One particularly buxom young lady (wearing those classic Texas Gal tight-knit shirts) smiled so sweetly, asking if anything was working well for me, that I did not even bother to ask her what in hell a question like that means.
The multicoloured clothing, while leaning a little too strongly toward the mustard and puce shades that really accentuate fair Irish skin, beckoned in a siren song of commercialism. By the time I left the store, I genuinely understood why I *needed* two extra pairs of socks... It was seduction pure and simple. In a world of mistrust and anxiety, I was in a store that sought to subjugate my fear and liberate my purse strings.
In that flash of inspiration, I saw Jake by the register, coyly chuckling as he pocketed my hard-earned money. I saw Billy and Allison painting signs and slogans to soothe my suspicions and set my mind at ease. I saw Sandy beckoning from the bowels of the store, teasing and tempting my Ship of Soul toward the Rocks of Ruin. I saw Rhonda, her lithe body writhing to the tunes played by her puppeteers high above me in the Moral Desert of Corporate America. I saw it all.
But, rather than wander the Caucasian ghetto that is Bellevue, Washington, clad in sackcloth and ashes, decrying the consumer decay as a Latter-day Jonah, I am content to huddle under my Gourd Of Commercialism waiting for the Worm. Then, and only then, can I raise my fist toward Heaven and ask God why my credit limit is so damned low...
I remain,
- Ian
Spelling tossed us a two-and-one-half plot episode this week. Our Foreign Correspondent, Mr. Micah Hester, who is stationed in Nashville to report on Elvis, called me with a warning that the episode would fall with a decidedly flat splat. The plot resolutions were definitely concise, and it could have handled a bit of tenderizing in spots but overall, it was quality Spelling "B" material.
The major plot dealt with Billy and Allison. The Billster made a Deal With The Daddy to try writing for a year, and if he failed, then he would be sentenced to the Hell That Is Furniture Sales for the rest of his life. To cover his Skinny White Ass, Billy pretended Allison was a Major Literary Agent who just happened to be his girlfriend, but the whole she-banging went belly-up when Daddy's birthday popped up.
Billy takes Allison to his parent's condo in Palm Springs without telling her the Parental Types think he and Allison are More Than Just Friends. Allison gets to practise her Ricky Ricardo Exasperated look for several long and boring scenes. The best scene had Billy's mom, (like all moms everywhere, I am sure) telling Allison that It's OK for her to Spoon With Mom's Little Trooper. Allison curls up with at least seven layers of clothing, while Billy kicks back in Boxers And Bare Chest. My oh my! Magically, they spend very little time at the Parental Pad, and (a bit too) suddenly we are back at Melrose.
Billy has to spend the day with Daddy, selling Chesterfields, Davenports, Chaise Lounges and the odd Sofa, which to him is a Day In Hell. He gets to call a customer "bitch" then stalks off to Live His Life As He Pleases.
Meanwhile, Sandy is screaming her little top off as the movie
part she has Tried So Hard For turns out to bare A Little Too
Much of her soul. Her director, looking every bit like Yoko Ono
sans Ray-Bans gives her the Ultimatum speech and suddenly
Spring Is Bustin' Out All Over. Now that Sandy is A Big Movie
Starlet, she gets to bitch everyone around, so we have to deal
with several mindless scenes that only establish:
a) Sandy's a bitch.
b) Sandy's out of control.
c) Jake (as usual) understands.
Luckily, a tear-jerking female-bonding/pig-out scene sets everything back in order just as Billy makes peace with his father over the furniture store. Evidently Billy is not about to Sell His Soul To Schmooze, especially if it involves chintz. Thank God Daddy can understand and wish him well. Both resolutions are instantaneous and not without far too much Richard Clayderman background music. (I was hoping they would scroll the song titles but no cigar.) The Lads and I were in tears, but most of that was from the bad dog breath Nikki The German Shepherd was spreading 'round Our House...
Oh, and the married couple busted an ankle moving a bureau.
So sad...
This was a true episode of discovery; of renewal and redefinition. The major characters were Billy, as Childlike Innocence and Sandy, symbolizing all there is (or could be) about Sex. Innocence was thrown into a maelstrom of Success and Responsibility while Sex reached far into the past, exposing not only her breasts, but an age-old fascination with the miracle of Life embodied in Woman. In the final cataclysmic scene, the two story elements are neatly joined, and the viewer is left full and satisfied.
This marked the second appearance of Innocence's parents. The first, you will recall, was during a traumatic flashback Billy experienced while perched precariously above a dry gulch with bungi cords strapped to his body. While it was a disposable scene in that episode, (Vietnam veterans excepted), it is valuable scene- setting material for this week. We realized the Parents play the same role as the Married Couple, i.e. they represent Stability and the Responsibilities of Reality, but with an Evil Twist. As parents, they symbolize The Past; that which has been, and that which has since been relegated to the dusty chambers of each individual's Freudian Hell. To understand this, however, we must first examine the secondary plot with Sex, and the three scenes enjoyed by the Married Couple. It is easy to discount these three minor scenes, however, in them lies the crux of what we seek.
The Married Couple are the Future. Jane's impending child reaches forward in Time, to the unknown Future pondered by Mankind since time began. "Who am I?" cries the Child in Jane's Womb. "Where am I going, and will there be a consumer-oriented society to nurture and clothe me in OskKosh when I arrive?" Notice that the Married Couple are at Melrose Place; Billy must *leave* Melrose to travel (back in time) to his Parents. The Past is not at Melrose, only the Future, resplendent in all its unknowns, lies in wait by the Pool. (I shall leave the viewer to draw her own Hunter-Gatherer conclusions from this community that encircles a pool of Life-Giving Water...)
When Michael acknowledged Jane's impending maternal wisdom, he was referring not only to her comments pertaining to his insecurities with fatherhood, he was acknowledging her authority as Woman; a primitive nod toward the paleolithic fertility cults. Sex's battle over exposing her breasts onscreen evoked memories of the Venus of Willendorf, the small fertility cult idol from Austria typifying the Aurignacio-Perigordian period's fascination with voluptuous female figures. Spelling moves toward this deep-seated, instinctive fascination with Life As The Female Breast in a multi-faceted allegory drawing on the viewer's instinctive, indeed tribal, knowledge. Very little background is needed to understand these scenes; they only repeat images rooted in each mind and reinforced generation after generation. An explanatory script was quite unnecessary, save for the mindless oafs who watch this show for entertainment... (Look for Spelling returning to this philosophy with images of Painting, Breasts and more Water in the future.)
Fascinating as it was, this plot line was secondary to the battle between Innocence, Success and Responsibility. Innocence is an inherently youthful quality, and in each life there comes the time when this Parental Mantle of Protection must be discarded, in exchange for another Mantle of Protection (the condom, which the married couple, symbolizing Future Responsibility, did not use and as such are facing the insecurities of Life. A most elegant analogy.)
Responsibility seeks to retain Innocence, even if it requires acknowledging Sex, for Innocence is the ultimate excuse for Responsibility. "Look what we have done" says the Responsibility of the Past. "It is all for Innocence." Responsibility reminds Innocence of its obligation, cashing in on the sense of guilt and abandonment felt by Innocence. Furniture is a stationary element lacking motion, fluidity and growth. As such, the Past Responsibility sought to stifle Innocence, locking him into a rigorous bond with The Past. He is still at Melrose, but not yet comfortable with the whirlwind pace and emotions sweeping over him. Success is so close; he flirts with her daily yet the goal remains a branch or two beyond his reach.
Past Responsibility wrestles with the Future forging the two into an incomprehensible alloy which Innocence realizes will lead him to Success. It is only through this acceptance phase that Innocence comes to grips with the Past within him and moves forward as a singular being. Before this, Innocences was torn between two worlds, existing in a temporal purgatory of his own creation.
Notice too that Conscience/Matt only appears with Sex, for Innocence is devoid of Conscience. Sex's scene with Everyman/Jake holds as Everyman is, by definition, devoid of Innocence. Rhonda as Everywoman lives with Sex, epitomizing the timeless control held over Sex. While Sex may escape on occasion, lured from her darkened lair by the glittery baubles put up by Everyman and his Western Euro- centric ideals, she must ultimately return to roost with Everywoman, and this episode underlines the integral reliance each holds on the other. Everywoman is comfortable with Sex, yet she remains cautious, even suspicious of any foreign influence. The Door is locked, and only Everywoman holds the Key.
Success remains the bridge between the Past Responsibilities and the Future; between Melrose as Community and Tribe of Youth and the World which they are In, but not Of. Success is the eternal prize, the brass ring each yearns to grasp and embrace.
The final scene sums the entire episode. Innocence/Hunter returns home to Success/Woman who is barbecuing a chicken by the pool. Paleolithic allegories notwithstanding, we see the acknowledgment by Innocence that Success is a vital element of life. The return to Melrose accents Innocence's return to the Present, an acceptance of the Future and Success, and eschewing of the Past Responsibilities and Traditions. Life is here, with community, around the water and looking forward in Time.
A terse and complete story.
There was no teaser clip for next week's episode. I fear we will suffer the re-run next week. With luck, it will be the series premiere; an episode Dr. Ferreud has been drooling to analyze...
Scene cut where the camera rests for 7 seconds on a young woman's groin. No rhyme, no reason, just gratuitous...
1) How did Michael suddenly get a bandage on his right hand in the final Married Couple scene when the two other scenes had him Strong-Wristed?
2) Watch Billy's tie throughout the Day At The Furniture Store. It goes up and down like a toilet seat. One scene with his dad has it at least four inches above his belt; in the final scene with Allison, he is well-hung...
"I've been doing it for so well for so long!" - Sandy to Jake.
I always knew Amy Locane got the job for her speaking skills...
"It was a dark night of the soul; I was wandering the streets." "Billy, this is L.A., no one wanders." - Billy to Allison.
"It all happened so fast, we wanted to meet you." - Parents to Allison
"It's all happening so fast." - Sandy to Jake, as the T.V. audience is sucked along at the rapid pace that is Melrose Place.
"I'm telling your parents." - Allison to Billy
"I'm telling your parents tomorrow." - Allison to Billy, next scene.
"I'm going in there and telling your parents." - Allison to Billy, same scene, several lines later.
"I'm calling your parents." - Allison to Billy, final scene. Allison was my older sister...
"What a bitch!"
- Billy to Daddy, after Angry Rich Bitch stalks out of store.
"I need your support." - Billy to Allison
"I need your support." - George Bush to convention. Wait, wrong show...